名师说文书|宾大申请亮点之文书
2017-06-28 14:54:23
来源：江博教育
作者：江博教育
news
美国第四大古老大学-宾夕法尼亚大学，
众多学霸心中理想的殿堂，
文书怎么才能吸引招生官？
录取文书解读，不容错过~
As I went through the photographs I had taken as a part of the survey I was conducting in underserved Indian villages (for my solar energy project), I could not help but think of the stark difference between India’s urban and its rural areas. Here I was sitting in my air-conditioned room’s comfortable couch gazing at photos depicting my fellow countrymen toiling in the farm under the blistering sun, without even the basic amenities like electricity, to make ends meet. My concern for my fellow countrymen and a desire to uplift their lifestyles using my technological skills, continued to chivvy me. I wanted to do more…
Rewind to where this interest arose:
Today I know that my fascination for engineering began serendipitously, when as a six-year-old I used to slip out of my Professor father’s cabin to explore the University. To say that I was enchanted of tools as their ideas transpired into models of cars or robots, spoke to me. I too wanted to be an engineer.
Moreover, many of my foreign-educational trips exposed me to the soaring shells of the Sydney Opera House and I gained cognizance of its complex engineering, as did the scientist at Intel’s museum in California who explained how integrated chips had paved the path for the world to enter into a new era of computers. Now, I saw the marvels of technology everywhere and understood its ability to impact our lives, nay transform our lives and I started thinking of ways to do so, as an engineer.
As part of the bank’s social obligations, my banker-mother frequently made trips to remote villages for community work. I accompanied her on such occasions. This up-close interaction with the rural folks made me realize how technology had benefited those who had harnessed its power. I remember being impressed by the fact that in a small village, Bundi, villagers had replaced unclean burning kerosene lamp with Solar LED lamps to tackle long power-cuts.
Inspired to research technology that could help the underprivileged became my biggest passion. I got my first Socio-Scientific Research project on Solar Energy this April at IIT-Bombay and another on Biofuel in May. The former involved maximizing power-output of the solar cells. The study took me into the fascinating world of Power Electronic System, LDRs and Solar Tracking panels. Consequently I researched the applications of solar energy, Biofuel and their effective implementation. Visiting a fishing community in designing a plan for effective installation of solar water pump in an actual farm are some milestones of the projects. Through surveys, I undertook feasibility studies for the undertakings, and presented it to the Principal Scientific Advisor, Central Government and to the Rural Development Ministry. That was of the utmost importance to me because I had taken my work to the final authority.
While surveying the farmers in remote villages, I could see a ray of hope in people’s eyes, as I generated awareness and showed them the videos and photographs of developed villages in India and abroad which had biogas plants and solar lighting system. Clearly technology can change the destiny of many of these remote villages. I want to keep using my skills in such a way that on my next visit to these villages, I feel proud of contributions to their development.
My interest in using technology as an empowering tool has been mounting and my application, rather I as a person would be incomplete without mentioning this undying passion. I know this interest will take me on a journey rife with challenges, which are but opportunities for me.
金老师
香港浸会大学英语教育硕士，美国大学交换生。多年英语写作科班训练，典型文书完美主义，立体文书实践者。
喜欢民乐-文书绘声：擅长雕塑全球化中的民族特色。
喜欢摄影-文书绘色：讲究构图，尤善营造文书画面感。
喜欢烘焙-文书生香：挖掘普通题材，做成精品文书。
文章充分地展现了作者的内心格局，不像其他尚未成熟的孩子们，尚在青春年华的作者所关注的事情早已超越眼前的生活和学习了。然，学生真的不在意这些东西了么？当然不是，只是要让名校招生官了解的“你”不能够仅仅是个“学霸”。
1. 用画面对比，用数据说话，使所要表达的内容更立体；
2. 选题很好，格局比较大，信息量很大，前后发展水到渠成；
3. 目的明确，以情绪和诉求递增来突显内心渴望。
文章开头就直奔主题，毫不掩饰地提出了印度这个国家城乡差距的事实，虽然身处优渥的环境里，却无法不去关心这个社会底层的同胞们。看似极大的话题，却一点也不是天方夜谭，作为小小的中学生，也能通过自己的努力去做自己所关心的事情。后续内容中也用数据和事实说明自己为之所做的努力和获取的成果，起到了强有力的说服作用，这也不难让招生官看到作者在相关问题的思考深度和钻研精神。
从回忆部分开始作者交代了自己为什么有机会在这大千世界中去关注了“芸芸苍生”，并说明为什么自己的行动能有效地解决现实障碍且适合大面积推广。他的理想并不是空中楼阁，也不是自说自话般地自我吹嘘，超越一般人的家庭背景和丰富的经历帮他建立了当前的观点。父亲的工作给他“巧合地”接触科技和工程的世界，研发团队的工作激发了他内心的小萌芽；国外学习和游玩的经历为他洒下启蒙之光，成为工程师就此驻足心中；母亲的社会活动机会让他见识了现实的残酷，这加深了他想要改变世界的目标。积极参与各种研究和调查，把研发技术与现实困境相结合，有效地解决了偏远地区的能源短缺问题，让便利的生活更环保。这个话题又巧妙地和Community Service相结合了，一个美国学校非常看重的社会意识。幸运也是必然，这样远大的目标和奋斗的方向如何能够让招生官不留意呢？
大篇幅的中间段全是数据和事实的陈述，但是恰到好处地说明了时间和经历的沉淀让作者对合理利用科技这种理念的更深化认识，它需要技术和知识，还需要人文关怀的意识。面对社会底层人士的困苦和期盼希望的眼神，作者内心的激情再次被点燃，他更加确定了科技的价值和成为工程师所能带来的改变。除去丰富的经历，这一刻坚定的信念和翻滚的心是多么有力量，小篇幅的感性的表达让申请和未来的计划更人性化了。
Stark 鲜明的，通常在对照两者之间突出的差距并含有残酷的意思，不像Bright、Vivid、Lively比较阳光；
Chivvy 困扰、催促，既表现了常挂心中也强调出该事物对人的督促，Pester则会有点完全被动的困扰的意味；
Rewind 倒带、转回，后面接的一般是时间点、磁带和影片节点等，look back后面则加一段时间；
Underprivileged 贫穷的、社会底层的，比The poor所涵盖的人群更多一点；
Serendipitous 偶然发现的、侥幸得到的，一般来形容好的收获，而accidental则也用于形容坏的结果的东西。
报名流程
学习规划
资料下载
在线解答
课程中心
考试日历
